Growth

A lot has happened recently that has put several things in perspective for me. It's been a rough week personally, emotionally, etc. However, I did manage to escape flu bug #2 that swept through the house. (yay!) But regardless, it was a trying week.

Through all of it, though, there are those that are with you every step of the way. I have a best friend and parents that are always there to listen to the good, the bad, the ugly, your shortcomings, and that which is bothering you at any hour of the day or night. I have a mentor who is always there to guide me through all of that, and a fearless leader that makes sure all is well, who would and has dropped everything in a heartbeat and listened when I really needed her to. There are countless sisters in between that offer support every day. And of course, there's always God. When in one week I can experience conflict, anger, guilt, death, and sadness, and still walk around with my head held high, I know I am in a better place, because one year ago I would have found myself balled up in a corner, doubting I was strong enough to face any of it.

To those out there that have questioned my decision to take on this year, who doubted that living in a monastic community could ever prepare me for the rest of my life in the "real world", the past several months have taught me more about life and how to deal with its challenges and curve balls than my first 22 years did, and that's a gift I would never trade.

Rest in God's loving embrace, Sister Benedict and Sandy. You will be greatly missed.

Questions Answered

Much to my surprise, I am already past the halfway mark for this year-long adventure. I don't even know where to begin with my feelings about that very fact. The first emotion that comes to mind is sadness. I don't know how we've already reached 6 months, but I know how fast it came, which means the next half will go even faster. How do you stop time?? Sadly, you can't.

This past week the Mount hosted a group of students from Ohio Wesleyan University who were here on their spring break mission trip to work with the sisters in their ministries. I enjoyed meeting all of them and it was great having them here with us. Each time there has been a group of students or guests that don't exactly know why Carrie and I are here, I always feel like I'm in a zoo being observed. Maybe I'm just paranoid. It's always interesting to hear the questions people have for us. The two most popular: "What made you decide to enter this program?" and "Is this some kind of nun training thing??" (this question comes in many different forms, but yes, this is accurate wording from one curious person).

The first question is somewhat hard to explain. I can't always put my feelings into words, and most of the time, words don't do the explanation justice. It's hard to describe the feeling that I needed something more than going to school or working any old job this year just to make money. I needed a break after 17 years straight of schooling, but my break needed to involve growth, education, and enough time for me to figure  "me" out. I never would have thought of this program on my own without a little push from one of my campus ministers at Canisius, and I'd pay money to see my fearless leader's face when she first read my email asking if she thought this was a good idea or not (honestly, let me know some time :D ).

A lot of things contributed to my decision to enter this program. Between my many week-long visits as a student, and a few here and there outside of that, I knew this community well enough that I wasn't entering blindly into the idea. I wanted to know what God has in store for me, not only what I want out of life. Because I can certainly try to steer my life into the direction I think it needs to go, but judging from experience, that rarely works out. Since I've been here, I've been able to really listen to myself, God, and others, and I've learned so much from all of that, way more than if I would have paid to hear a professor spit it back at me. And I have met people here whose lives have certainly become a model for mine. This place has given me more than I ever thought it would, and then some.

The second question is a little easier to answer...sometimes. The answer: no. This program is not specifically meant for those that are discerning a call to religious life or to entering this particular community. Can it be used for that? Certainly. Am I? No. Why? Because I simply do not feel that call. I can't very well make a feeling appear that just isn't there. I have other callings and responsibilities to God. Most importantly, my job this year affirms in me the desire I have to be a mother every day. Nothing would mean more to me than bringing another life into the world and sharing the glory of God with them.

In short, I regret nothing about my decision to enter into this program. I am learning and growing each and every day. I have had many experiences, both positive and not so much, but both have helped me in so many ways. This will not be an experience that will leave me any time soon.

A New Kind of Prayer

One of the things I am becoming accustomed to during my time here is the idea that prayer doesn't have to be the obvious. I mean, I don't necessarily have to be kneeling in a church, head in my hands, saying Hail Marys the entire time. That is certainly one way to pray, and if it feels right, then it is. There isn't a right or wrong way to pray. My new way: dance.

I am the most calm and centered when I dance, I always have been. That is when I am in my element. So one day It popped into my head, why can't I make it a prayer? Answer: I can! Most of my reflection days I try to grab up the Garden Room for a little while to stretch out and just mess around with music and my ballet slippers. Nobody can bother me. It's just me, the music, and God, and I don't have to worry about a thing. I don't even have to worry if my form is perfect, although I admittedly do. I guess the only thing I have to worry about is someone opening the doors on me, huh?

For me, this is the perfect prayer. It's something that comes so naturally to me, and isn't that how one would like prayer to be? Natural, not forced? I've felt kind of empty since I stopped dancing, so it's nice to sort of have it back in my life. My prayer while I dance? God, please allow the grace of dance to enter into my daily life.

(Any photos posted can always be clicked on to be enlarged)

Becoming More Than Ourselves

I really need to get back into the habit of posting twice a week. I feel lazy when I don't. It's a discipline, as one sister said last week. I apologize to any readers out there who might be disappointed when they pop on and don't see a new post, especially when the description says "updated Mondays and Fridays". I will definitely try to fix that.

Every other Saturday during Lent, we have a community movie here at the Mount. This weekend "Of Gods and Men" was the film being shown. It tells the true story of a group of Trappist monks who are stationed in Algeria during the Algerian Civil War in 1996. They must decide whether to leave and save themselves, or stay with those they came to work with and face almost certain death. I'll risk backlash from those that might not be aware that this occurred... After much discernment, the monks decide that their calling is to stay, and they are eventually kidnapped and killed. It was a very powerful movie. One sister who came into the movie a little late said that everyone was absolutely transfixed when she walked through.

It got me to thinking, could I ever be a martyr in the greatest sense of the term? Could I ever believe enough in a calling of any kind to put my life on the line? I don't know if I even have an answer for that right now. I'm just trying to become comfortable with standing up to what society says the "norm" is today, since I feel like I'm completely going against it. I care too much about what others might think, and I wish I could step out a little more, be a little more outspoken about injustices, take more of a risk in my own life. I'm growing in that area though. At least I feel like I am. As morbid as it might sound to some, I really hope that someday I know what it's like to feel so strongly about something that I'm willing to become something more than myself, willing to risk my life. I admire those that have, because I know right now I couldn't do that. Could you?

Yesterday was the opening of the March art show here at the monastery for Women's History Month. If you get a chance to make it out here between now and April 1st, check it out. There are a lot of great pieces on display by sisters, oblates, and friends of the community, both for purchase and just for your enjoyment. This includes photographs by two Rieppers: yours truly and Carrie.