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The End Is Only The Beginning

The moment I had been dreading for weeks has finally come and gone. I no longer live at the Mount. I am officially out of the Benedicta Riepp Program. I have entered into the next phase of my life. I am sad. I am nervous. I wish I could turn back the clock.

That being said, I have just finished what was probably the best year of my life. Pretty much every worry I had prior to entering this program turned out to be nothing. I can recall so vividly the afternoon I moved in. Carrie and I stopped at a gas station right off our exit on the thruway, filled our tanks, looked at each other and said, "the 90 is right there, last chance to turn around!" Needless to say, we didn't. I have learned so much about myself, about others, and about God. I have been challenged and pushed to my emotional limits. I have grown in leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago. I have my faith, persistence, and 90+ sisters to thank for that.

Throughout this year I have experienced a number of things. As a Benedicta Riepp participant, I was fully immersed in Benedictine life. Aside from a few important community meetings, I took part in everything the sisters did. I was no different from any of them. I experienced Jubilee, Thanksgiving, Advent and a very Benedictine Christmas, the new year, Lent and Easter, and all the other liturgical seasons, the deaths of three sisters, countless retreats, speakers, and picnics. I laughed, I cried, I freaked out, hit my walls, rose above the challenges, met a world of wonderful people, and I'm coming away with meaningful relationships that I pray will last.

To the community as a whole: I pray you will some day know what an absolute blessing you have been in my life. Just when I thought I was ready to head on with adulthood by myself, God intervened and showed me what I really needed after college. I am so grateful that I have this group of women in my life. Thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance of my presence. I hope I have done the same for you.

To my mentor: Thank you for your listening heart, advice, and for keeping me on the right path. I have enjoyed our conversations wholeheartedly, and I so appreciate your sense of humor when times have been a little tense. I could always count on you.

To my fearless leader: Thank you also for your absolutely wonderful listening heart. You were always there when I needed you and provided the perfect balance of seriousness and humor. I cannot imagine being under the direction of anyone else. Thank you for everything. You have no idea.

It was extremely difficult to walk out of those doors knowing that it symbolized the end of such a great time. Coming home to an empty house was extremely difficult as well. I cried most of the drive, and sat on the couch with one of the dogs and absolutely sobbed as she licked the tears falling down my cheeks. I kept it in as well as I could during my good-byes, but I hardly made it down the street before it started.

And I know it isn't really the end. I am living less than 10 minutes away, but change is always hard for me. But I am looking forward to beginning a new relationship with the Erie Benedictines. They will always be with me, and I hope a part of me always stays with them as well :)

One sister put it well the other night: "Aren't you glad you didn't turn around at the gas station?!"

YES!

Commitment September '11

Farewell Blessing July '12

One.Week.

One week from now, I will be back in New York, playing with the dogs, sitting with my family, officially done with the Benedicta Riepp program and moved out of the Mount. I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm excited to move on to the next phase of my life, but content with where I've been for the past year. I'm looking forward to having my own place again with my own way of doing things, but I know I'll miss the rhythm of life at the monastery. I'll miss the constant stream of sisters milling around at any time of the day. I know I will enjoy having my own place, but I also know I will really, really miss how things have been. I haven't had any consistent living situation for the past 5 years. When I get comfortable some place, I just want it to stay that way for a while.

One of the things that is staying the same is my workplace. I hope to continue my work at the day care as my ministry, not just my job. I don't want to lose sight of why I love working there just because I will now be getting a paycheck at the end of the week. I don't want that to be my motivation. Ever.

With all this talk of what I would like and what I wouldn't like, everyone here is well aware of the amount of time we have left. In fact, our fearless leader just returned from more than a week away and some of the first words out of her mouth were, "counting down the days yet?" "Should I bring tissues to dinner Thursday?" Uhh yeah, the sisters are more than aware of the time frame.

I am going to enjoy this last week. I'm going to do my best to take in meal time, conversation, class, games, people, everything. Even dishes....maybe ;-)

What Toddlers Have Taught Me About Myself

I've mentioned here and there in some of my posts my issues with my self-esteem. It hasn't been the best the past 5 years or so because of an incident during my first year of college that was ultimately prolonged throughout those four years. Needless to say, it has had a pretty large impact on how I see myself. It wasn't until I was fully removed from the situation and forced to examine myself this year that I really began to deal with it. My biggest helper? My angels at the day care.

I don't think anyone realizes their full potential or worth until they are entrusted with the care of another living being. At least I hadn't. St. Ben's is more than a day care service, it's a child development center. We don't just provide a place for the children to be all day, we are constantly tracking their changes, development, habits, etc. We are providing early childhood education so they are ready to enter Kindergarten. We are helping them develop the skills and tools they will need in life. To me, that's a daunting job description. I'm more than a human jungle gym and Kleenex, I'm responsible for their lives while they are in my care, and I've had to live up to that responsibility. To do that, you really have to be confident in yourself. You can't teach someone that they're worth it and can do anything they set their mind to if you don't believe it yourself. That's what I started out doing, and I can tell you I probably wasn't too convincing to begin with.

As the months went by, though, all of that began to sink in. When my kids are genuinely excited to see me each morning, that makes my day. When a toddler comes to you in April and can't speak one word in English or Spanish, and by the end of June can add 4 words to their vocabulary, that feels AMAZING. And to know that I had a lot to do with that really makes me look at my self-worth in a positive light. I mean something to these children, to their families. And they mean the world to me.

When we chose our ministry placements for the first half of the year, it was with the understanding that in 6 months we could change them if we wanted to. Not only did I want to stay at the day care when the time came, I needed to. This place, the people, the kids, they were all helping me realize something I was blind to for so long. That coupled with my reflections, prayer, and meetings was really what I needed to jump start this new outlook. It's something I consciously work on each and every day, but it's getting easier. I can love and be lovable at the same time.

Community

Throughout the past three years that I've known this community, I've heard several times over that these women and their extended community members know how to take care of one another. When you live here and hang around long enough, you begin to see and experience it. It's always extremely touching and heartwarming.

I have had many experiences where I have been on the receiving end of this generosity. Several times it has been because of sickness. Everyone offers their own advice on remedies to try, slips a note or get-well card under your door, or comes to check on you. Then when you finally emerge from your room it's like they haven't seen you in eons. What am I going to do when I move out and become sick???!!!

Lately, a different kind of generosity has emerged. I have been overwhelmed with all of the help Carrie and I have received as we start to piece together our lives post-Benedicta Riepp. It has come in several different forms, from prayer to offering a piece of furniture here and there, and all of it helps. A lot of it has been jaw dropping and has left me speechless, wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. All I can do is thank them, thank God, and pay it forward some day. This community is pretty amazing, and I'm reminded of that every day. I can't wait to have everyone over so they can see what they've helped us with!

Getting to Know the World

One of the things I've really been thinking about lately is that I've had the privilege of meeting so many different people this year through this community. They might be oblates of this community, family members or friends of individual sisters, or visiting guests just looking for a comfortable place to be for a little while. And they can be from virtually anywhere in the world. Whatever the case may be, it's always a pleasure getting to know each one!

For the past two weeks, we've had a sister staying with us from a religious community in Philadelphia. She is the friend of one of the sisters here. What I love is being able to see this community, live this experience, through the eyes of another. The guests seem to find the beauty in things you might never have imagined. That's exactly what she has done for me during her visit, and tomorrow morning she leaves. I didn't spend a lot of time with her while she was here, but we shared a few meals and caught up here and there on her visits to the ministries and a few local hot spots, and everything was exciting. It makes me think of my first visit. Was I in awe of this community like that? And you know what? I really think I was. Why else would I have kept coming back?

I feel like I owe the sisters for everything this year. Where else would I have met these wonderful people? Would I have even met them at all? And I thank the many guests for sharing their lives with me. I've learned just as much from them.



And in case you are unaware of how awesome the women of this community are, CLICK HERE. I make a cameo appearance for a hot second, too :)

Happy 4th!!

How does one celebrate the 4th of July in a monastery?? Quite similar to how all of you out there might celebrate it as well. We had a picnic, played some games, community movie time, and even went out to watch some fireworks. See, I'm sure you can spot some similarities. However, I think there is something special about it here.

There is such an awareness of how important it is to remember how we are all connected, not just here in the states but everywhere in the world. We remember how blessed we are to have the freedoms that we do, because there are so many in the world who may never experience any of that. It is important to remember that we must not abuse this freedom and confuse it with power, both around the world and with our own citizens, especially in light of what is making headlines today (healthcare, etc.). I see a lot of things through a different lens as a result of my experiences this year. Wednesday is usually my reflection day, and even though I didn't use it the traditional way, I can say it turned out to be extremely reflective.

I did mention we went to see some fireworks with one mentor and our director. I can check off my list the experience "watching fireworks from a McDonald's parking lot" and "finally getting to use those sparklers" :) Oh, I almost forgot, out of the four of us nobody remembered to bring a fob so we were locked out at 11pm. However, after a lengthy game of charades we were finally let back in! Never a dull moment.

Hanging Out

One of my favorite things to do around here is hang out with different sisters, whether it's someone we interact with regularly, or a sister we don't see very often. Carrie and I will often sit up in the community room on our laptops, reading, or watching television and inevitably someone walks through. If we're really lucky, they sit down for a few...or sometimes more.

This weekend one of the sisters who lives out of town came to stay for a few nights and sat and watched tv with us for a couple of hours. Nothing serious, just a few reality shows, but she's really fun to hang out with, and good conversation always comes out of it. And our director and her friend visiting from Philly invited us to watch the sunset with them last night. Like we talked about, each night, each year, you rush to watch the sunset and take hundreds of pictures. They always seem to look the same, yet different.

That's what I'll miss most, the random run-ins with everyone. It's one thing about community that is fun for me, there's always someone around :)



With one month left in the program, I guess it was only fitting that the other half of our duo make an appearance in the ER. That was my job Thursday night. Apparently it just couldn't wait. Gotta make it even, right?

Photos courtesy of Miss Carrie Ann

One Month Left

As I look at my calendar, It's apparent that four weeks from tonight is our farewell dinner/blessing, which seems absolutely unbelievable to me because I was just told we had 7 weeks left...huh. Anyhoo, things are beginning to fall into place in regards to my life post-Benedicta Riepp.

Last night, Carrie and I signed our lease to our apartment here in Wesleyville, which makes all of that official. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty exciting. Each of us has been offered a position in the city, so a regular income will once again be seen. We're beginning to collect some furniture for our living room, but if anyone out there has a couch and/or love seat that just happen to be laying around let me know! All seems to be pretty well concerning the next phase of my life.

However, once again I face the challenge of living in the moment while planning for the future. It's more important now than it's ever been. Not an easy thing to do. But if I don't, then I'll be kicking myself when this is done, and there's no re-do. And July is jam-packed, too! Something going on almost every weekend. I know it will fly by, and before I know it I will be on my way back to New York. I was asked yesterday in a meeting how I feel. Well, I'm really sad. That's how I feel. I know I will only be moving a short distance away, and I will be over at least every Sunday. But I also know life will soon begin, and I'll have to work extra hard to make sure I make time for people. Living ten minutes away is just not the same as living right downstairs.

I'll try not to make my next month's worth of posts so drab and sappy. If it keeps heading that way, let me know! I'll do my best :)


Also, Happy Birthday to my mom, Julie!

Connections Part II

This past weekend we had the privilege of being invited to for dinner at one of the in town houses. We've had a few of these outings, and also drove a couple of hours away for a visit a few weeks ago. Each time we visit a group of sisters, it's always interesting and very enjoyable, especially since they don't live at the Mount and we only get to interact with them on special occasions.

Our visit last night was a lot of fun. Good food, good wine, and great conversation. Since we have just under 5 weeks left, a lot of the questions that come my way consist of asking how I feel about the short time I have left in the program, and how I feel about this year as a whole. What have I gotten out of it? How do I think I've impacted this community? Did it end up being a good idea? I can only answer so much right now, since it will take a few months to de-program and really look at my year. But I think it helps each side understand what this program can do for both the community and those that are participants. It's really a win-win situation.

I love when I can really connect with people. The sisters we visited pretty much ran the full gamut of our story from college to the present, and we learned a lot about them as well. A lot can fit in to 4 hours! I run into each of them often and exchange conversation here and there, but this is the first time we all were able to sit down and learn about each other. Too bad it took 10 months to do so! I always wish it could have been sooner. The best thing: we are only moving around the corner, so I hope that doesn't disqualify us from being able to do stuff like this every now and then, and maybe we can have you all over and cook for you to repay the favor :)

Countdown

It's no secret that my time here at the Mount is nearing an end, at least when it comes to my residency, and the news is spreading like wildfire. At least we won't be moving far. Carrie and I found an apartment just about 5 miles from the monastery, so we'll still be neighbors!

But the countdown begins. Just 5 weeks from tonight, we will have our end-of-the-program-dinner-send off-blessing-whatever you'd like to call it, so brace yourselves, sisters, and world for that matter, too!

And how do I feel about all this? Sad, but excited at the same time. Sad because I cannot believe that this year has almost ended, that it's gone so fast. Sometimes I wish I could hold onto this forever. But I'm also excited because I will be starting something new, and making a life for myself in a new state, away from home, taking on all the responsibilities again of being an adult. It's a worried excitement, though, but I know I will be OK. I always am.

So here goes the last month of the program. May it be filled with many laughs, hugs, smiles, blessings, and wonderful memories. And may it go by slowwwwwwly...wishful thinking!!






And, uhhh, some shameless plugging for Relay for Life. Less than a month left to reach my goal! I relay for all those touched by cancer, for my family members, friends, and sisters who have battled or are still fighting. No amount is too small. Click the link below to donate online, or send me a message if you'd like information on how to send a check. Thank you for your support!

Relay for Life

Community Retreat

Monday night began a 5-day community retreat here at the Mount. Silent, I might add. The presenter is a Benedictine sister from a community in Ferdinand, Indiana. Check it out! I had the privilege of meeting her back in October when she came for a week of meetings that were held here. She's awesome, by the way.

The retreat is entitled: "To Be a Benedictine...To Be Faithful...To Be a Blessing" A Spirituality of Cenobitic Living. A mouthful, yes. What I love about it? The topics are not over my head. You don't need to be a professed Benedictine Sister to relate to what is being discussed in the talks. It can be applied to pretty much anyone, anywhere. For me, it has been a wonderful way to wrap up my year spent in the Benedicta Riepp Program. With just 6 weeks left, the topics of talks have allowed me to reflect on how I've lived out that particular Benedictine value while I've been here, and think about how I will continue to reflect that when I leave.

And you read right: 6 weeks.

Rural Road Trip

This weekend we finally went on our trip that was about 9 months in the making. The two Rieppers, one mentor and our fearless leader set out Friday night for Oil City, PA to visit one of the sisters who lives there and does Catholic Rural Ministry. We also visited nearby Franklin, where another sister who was our scripture teacher for the first half of the year lives. We got the full tour of the areas and the lowdown on everything these sisters do.

In Oil City, the sisters are simply a presence in the area for anyone who should want or need it. It might not sound like much, but to some I'm sure it is everything. And the sister in this position is absolutely perfect for the job. I can see why she enjoys what she does. In Franklin, sister Claire is the Catholic Chaplin at a residential facility for individuals with varying degrees of mental and physical disabilities. We were able to tour a section of the facility, meet a couple of the residents, and hear about the wonderful work she does. She is also the perfect person for her ministry.

I had a great time. It was nice to get away and be introduced to another part of the work that the Benedictine Sisters of Erie do. I don't know how many people familiar with this community of women are aware that it exists because I didn't even know until I lived here, and there are two more sisters in another rural area of PA. It has expanded my knowledge and understanding of what these women do for the surrounding areas. I have more and more respect for this community every day.

Besides the introduction to another area of Benedictine ministry, I had a great time with everyone we visited and our travel group was quite interesting as well. Not a boring ride, that's for sure! Two sets of BFF's, radio up, some off-key singing from everyone, a few detours that were planned as well as unplanned, and you have yourself the perfect road trip! Well, at least for some of us out there...

Touring

In a park in Franklin

These are flowers made out of street signs. They're famous. I know this because I heard that five times...

A Different Path

Recently, a book on Jesus was introduced as part of my study and reflection time here and is discussed during meetings with my mentor each week. It's called "Images of Jesus" and introduces 50 images, one for each chapter. At the end of each image, three or four reflection questions are posed, and I usually journal my responses. They have pretty interesting names; Jesus the Jew, The Jesus who refuses to compete, The Jesus who refuses power. But one I read this week really struck me: Jesus the drop-out.

Why might you ask? Because I find it interesting that it coincides with a recent path I've decided to take myself. In this chapter, we learn how hard it was for Jesus' family to accept that God was the center of his life. In this setting, drop-out is referring to Jesus shifting his "family". He had to find others that shared his love for God and the work of God, and his way of going about that I guess didn't resonate well with some of his loved ones. The questions that got me thinking are as follows: What voices do you hear when you say something, when you make decisions? Are you ready to go the way that you recognize in your heart as being the right one for you? Or do you want everyone, your family and your friends, to approve of it?

This is why this chapter and these particular questions hit home for me: I will not be starting graduate school at the end of August.

I realize to the readers who know me personally this will sound like a decision that just came out of nowhere, but I promise you this was a well thought out conclusion. I made some decisions a little too prematurely, did not research enough different programs, and instead settled on a school that ended up not being what I was looking for. Thankfully, I have realized this in enough time to do something about it before it's too late.

What voices do I hear when I say something, when I make decisions? Well, the voice I had been hearing for a few months leading up to my final decision was saying "WHY are you doing this to yourself? Why are you trying to convince yourself that this is something you want?" After weeks of journaling and discussing this with myself, weighing the positives and negatives of this idea, I finally got up the courage to talk to someone about it. It was a little rough. The immediate reactions of almost everyone I had to tell were not what I expected. I felt how they probably did; blindsided. I was challenged, upset, and at times felt ganged up on. However, I do understand where they were all coming from.

That's where the other question comes in. Am I ready to go the way that I recognize in my heart as being the right one for me, or am I looking for everyone's approval? This is ultimately my own decision, nobody can make it but me, and nobody should make it but me. I haven't asked for anyone's approval or permission to make any life decision. I guess that can sound a little harsh. While I don't ask for or need someone to approve my decisions, I do ask for their support. Believe in me and have faith that I will be OK and that I'm doing the right thing for me at this time. Nobody has to understand the reasoning behind a personal decision but myself, but sometimes I feel like it would help.

There is a wonderful inner peace that has come with my decision not to rush into the program I pretty much rushed into in the first place. I do want to go to school, and if I could right away, I would. But this leaves me a little more time to research some more schools and programs that will ultimately work for me. I know what I want to do with my life, now I just need to find the right path that will get me there. Some may see me as a drop-out, as someone who is taking the easy way out, but they will never understand.

If my time as a Riepper has taught me anything, it is that your inner voice is one of the most important voices you should listen to. When I can't shake a feeling or thought, whether positive or negative, I've come to realize that's God's little way of telling me something. It happened when I was trying to ignore the nagging idea of entering this program last year, and it happened again with this. When it doesn't go away, maybe that's your answer.

So, I am not entering grad school when I leave the Mount. I am happy and at peace with this decision, and those important to me both at home and here really do support me. Thank you, I am blessed to have you all in my life.

23 And Carefree

One of the lines that was heard coming out of my mouth about 2 months ago as I was in the middle of what felt like a complete mental breakdown went a little like this: "I just want to be a 23 year old!"

This could mean any number of things, I guess. I mean, it's no secret that, although we fit in wonderfully here at the Mount, 20-somethings don't frequent these halls. At least I have someone with me, but it's nice to throw someone new into the mix every now and then. Sometimes you just feel like doing something wild, like book a dirt cheap bus ticket to New York City on a whim at 11:30 on some random Tuesday night, which is precisely what happened. 8 weeks later, Carrie and I found ourselves embarking on a 13-hour road trip from Erie to Pittsburgh to NYC to Long Island to reunite with our college friend.

I guess it's wishful thinking that my carefree attitude when it comes to travel will never fade, but I still pray it doesn't. For some reason, landing in NYC at 12:30AM on some random corner in the Fashion District with our only smart phone dead isn't scary at all. It's called, "this way looks good, let's try it!" ADVENTURE! And viola! Penn Station! Then we buy our railroad ticket for a train that leaves in an hour, only to find out that if I took my phone off silent I could have bought a ticket for an earlier train. But wait! Hop on and see if this one will still work? BAM! Long Island Railroad! Arriving at Michelle's 40 minutes earlier than our ETA? I'd say that's success!

In all, this mini-vaca was a lot of fun. It made me realize how much I've really missed my other partner in crime, and how necessary it was for me to just...be. No bells, no set times for anything, just having fun and making up your own schedule. And having girl talk, of course. You know, cute guys, your personal problems, blah, blah, blah. The things only your best friends would know. And then there are those completely rational ideas, like making hair dyeing the first thing you do after not seeing each other since last June, and making brownies at 11:30pm when you have to leave for the city to catch the bus back home just a few hours later. Like I said, carefree. It applies to everything.

This may sound like such a jumbled mess of a thought process, but after a lot of praying, journaling, and talking out my breakdown with my mentor and fearless leader, I came to the conclusion that this was kind of needed. It wasn't a quick fix right as it was happening, but it gave me something exciting to plan and look forward to, which took the pressure off the stress I was feeling at that time and allowed me to look at what might have been contributing to all of that. Thank you to everyone for understanding that this break was needed, and for being excited and happy for us. I got to spend some much needed time with one of my best friends that I hadn't seen in a year. I had a blast!

 

It's the Little Things

It's the little things that some people do that end up being rather meaningful and leave speechless those of us that are on the receiving end. This kind of occurrence happens weekly around here, and at times daily.

One of the most jaw-dropping of these hit me tonight as I was packing for my mini-vaca. I opened my bedroom door and found a wonderful surprise that will make my trip a little less stressful. I was literally left with my jaw hitting the ground. If the sister behind it is reading this, you made my day, and answered my prayers.

It's one of those things that I am still in awe of. That people can be so generous and just plain nice because they want to be. It's always a reminder for me that I should strive to be that way too. Smile at someone, write a note, give a gift, just because you want to. There doesn't need to be a birthday, or a holiday, or a special occasion. Today is special, and so are the people around you.

"One gives freely, yet grows all the richer"
Proverbs 11:24



(Yes, I know this is a day late, and more than a week since my last post. Sorry for slackin'!)

Slow.Down.

I was reminded this weekend that I need to slow down and not rush into things so quickly. Now I have already done so quite a bit since my time here, but maybe I am the only one who realizes it. It might not be so noticeable if you are looking from the outside in. But, as with most things, I could do better. Since this weekend was so beautiful, I took some time to slow down and reflect.

Saturday morning Carrie, myself, and an oblate only 2 years older than us went kayaking off the peninsula. It.was.AWESOME! I had never been before. I tend not to be such an outdoors-y person, but I loved it. We met a sister and her friend there for breakfast, and then spent a little less than 2 hours out on the water, just exploring. It was very relaxing, and I got a great upper body workout, too. It was nice because I could really take in everything around me. You wouldn't ever see what we did unless you were out on a boat or something. It was beautiful and very reflective.

Yesterday was even more beautiful. After lunch Carrie and I went to a beach just a few minutes down the road and laid out for a few hours; listening to music, journaling, taking in the sun, even sticking my feet in a pretty cold Lake Erie! I'm pretty burnt, though. Paid for that a little with some chills last night. It was that deep reflection I got caught in!

L.O.V.E.

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I think it was so fitting, and also no coincidence, that the readings and Gospel for the day were all about LOVE. The priest we had here at the Mount gave a great homily on how mothers have the greatest love of all. I'm going to extend that to include both mothers and fathers, grandparents, and anyone out there who plays a nurturing role whether they are actual parents or not.

Father talked about the difference between that "giddy" love that we all feel at times, and the love that is natural, that is there because you truly care about that person. It's not easy, but it's real. I, of course, felt that love all my life growing up. My parents never failed to tell me how much they loved me, and always showed it.

Here at the Mount, I have around 60 or so motherly figures that just radiate love. You can feel it when you walk into the monastery, when you share a meal, hang out, and spend time with individual sisters. You can hear it in their voices when they mention what little time I have left in the program, or ask me about my future. I can feel it in my meetings with my mentor and fearless leader. And it extends throughout the Benedictine community. Carrie and I each received a note from an oblate who lives in California. To know that people you've never even met can care so much about you is amazing. Thank you!

Love and understanding is the key to breaking through so much of the hate in this world. Who knows where we would be if this could ever become a worldwide reality.




Speaking of love, I traveled up to Dunkirk, NY Saturday morning to be with my parents and brother as they adopted a dog rescued from a kill shelter in another state. Her name is Kylie Marie, and she is adjusting well to her new home, family, and older doggie sister, 8 yr old Maisy.  After a pretty rough first year of life, she finally found her forever home, and an absolutely loving one at that.

Back to Normal

After over a month of feeling just plain...blah, I can confidently say that my mood has turned around. I'm not really sure if it was one specific thing that triggered this mini-meltdown (which at times was not so mini) or if it was a combination of many things that culminated into one big ball of stress. I'm pretty sure it was the latter. Anyhoo, it took a while, a lot of talking it over, praying, journaling, a few freak outs here and there, and I finally got a hold of my emotions. I'm learning what I have to do to deal with the stress that comes my way, and learning not to take it out on others.

A gigantic de-stresser for me is listening to music. And almost every time I turn on my iPod when I'm feeling a little down, the perfect song comes on with the lyrics I need to hear. A little sign from God letting me know everything is going to be just fine and work out, since at that moment it can sometimes seem as if the world is ending. I'm also hoping to make it to a meditation class one of these weekends. My co-worker told me about it. I could really use it (and it's free!). And I've decided that when I have a steady income once again, I'm signing up for yoga. One night a week devoted to me, since I unfortunately won't have the luxury of an entire reflection day on a regular basis anymore, and ballet classes are too expensive!

I'm beginning to see the next few months through the lens of positivity and possibility.



It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears and all the faults
You've left behind

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

~The Cave
         Mumford & Sons

Toddler Top 10 Part II

I made a LIST back in the fall like this one. Here is Toddler Top 10 Part II:

10. Everything is a drum, including you
9. Bibs that double as a second bowl are one of the most wonderful inventions ever
8. Accomplishing 5 minutes straight of productive circle time makes you feel like you've just won a marathon
7. A toddler laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds in the world
6. You spend the day playing the game "who stinks?", and if you pick the wrong child, they will let you know who it really is (and they are always right)
5. Nap time is still essential to everyone's sanity
4. You can never set the table fast enough for any of them, at least not in my class!
3. They test your patience and always make sure you're paying attention, but it's made me a better person
2. From brushing their teeth, to singing songs, or taking a walk, everything is exciting
1. One hug from them can turn your entire day around

Catholic? Why Me?

In light of some recent, and might I say outrageous, statements released by the Vatican, I got to thinking about why I felt called to become a Catholic in the first place. That was my crazy college experience. Some people party every weekend, some drop out, some lose their minds because they don't know how to maturely handle the transition to adulthood, and me, well, I became Catholic.

Aside from finally finding a church I felt I belonged in, I was really influenced by the Jesuit values that Canisius College sprinkles generously throughout their courses, extracurricular activities, organizations, faculty & staff, and eventually the student body themselves. From the teaching styles of professors, to the inclusion of community service as a requirement for many courses and the overall feeling of acceptance no matter who you are, the institution's ability to spread the ideals of social justice and Jesus' love for all are alive and well. It is such a positive representation of what being rooted in Christian values looks, sounds, and feels like.

This eventually led me to discover Campus Ministry and its array of service opportunities. After a couple of week-long service trips to NYC and Erie, PA, I came across the Benedictine Sisters of Erie, and my life was forever changed. Talk about a strong community of women, rooted in the Catholic faith and teachings of Jesus. My experience here at the Mount only solidified my decision to convert.

For me, being a Catholic woman means being sensitive to the needs of those around me, no matter who they are or what they need. It means being aware of the injustices in the world, and speaking up and acting out against them. It means not judging anyone for the situations they might find themselves in, but being a supportive figure in their lives. It means standing up for women's rights and our right to decide what is best for ourselves, because do these stuffy men really know what's best for a woman? Especially when some of the issues being discussed currently will directly and negatively affect my personal health if approved. It means accepting all life as precious and worthy of our love and God's love, no matter their sex, race, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, religion, culture, etc., because that's what being a Christian really entails. Love and acceptance. For.All. No matter what.

I commend the Women Religious in the US for being a consistent presence in the face of injustice of all forms. Because of your courage, more people like me are finding their voice in the ongoing battle of social justice. You are living hope for all.

Work Is.....Fun?!?!

So we are already three weeks into the Head Start season here at the day care, and our classroom already feels like a nice little family! It's kind of cool how that happens, and it's especially easy when you just mesh with the other adults you work with so seamlessly.

There are three adults in my room; myself and two others, and six children. I worked with the same people back in the fall when I first started out working here and it didn't take long for us to become comfortable with one another. So when I heard I was going to be with them again, I was really excited. We are all between the ages of 23-30, so it's nice to have a younger dynamic in the room and I must say that when we put our heads together we come up with some pretty creative projects for the kids. I think it also makes it easier on the children when the teachers are so at ease.

I really enjoy working in my room. I look forward to going to work every day because I know I will have fun with the kids and with my co-workers. I've never had that all-around feeling before within a workplace. Everyone makes me feel welcome, and they have from the beginning. I have never been treated as just a "volunteer". I am an equal, and it's nice to know that. I enjoy my work, and even though I don't make any money for what I am doing, it doesn't matter. Not having a paycheck hanging over my head has allowed me to really focus on my work and the reason I am doing what I am this year. I'm more passionate about my job, and I think it shows.

Letting Go

Something I am trying really hard to come to terms with this year is that it is OK to ask for help, or to talk, or just admit that I need a break. I am a pretty stubborn person, and I really hate feeling like I ask too much of others. However, this really hinders my ability to successfully deal with whatever is bothering me at a particular moment, and what I usually end up with is uncontrollable emotion that builds up inside until it just can't stay there anymore. I'm pretty desperate when I just let it go and break down and ask for that help. It literally is a cry for help.

I try really hard to be the tough adult that I think I should be at 23, but I forget sometimes that I am in such a transitional stage of my life that I can't possibly hold it together without the help of others, and God. To give you a sense of what may be going through my head at any given moment these days, here's a list:

-I have 4 months left here
-I need a job when I am done here
-I need to find an internship for school
-I also need to give my current ministry my full attention
-I need to find an apartment
-I need to do all of this while also living in the present moment and taking in as much as I can before this program is over

Now I don't think about all of this every second of every day, but when there are deadlines to meet, and when people ask related questions, it's hard to just leave it at that and forget about it. As much as I tell myself that everything will work out, because I know it always does even if it might not be how I imagined, it doesn't always take away the stress. But I know I need to be the adult and admit I need help with some things. It's OK to talk it out with others, and it's OK to break down in front of others. I am not any less of a person for doing so. And I need to give a little more to God than I currently do. I need to learn to let go of the control I feel I need over everything, because it's just not possible to have it all. I have endless support here, and I know this because I have tested every inch of it, whether I meant to or not. Whether it's 10 in the morning or 10 at night, or any other time of the day, someone has always been there, and someone always will be, and for that I am so very grateful.

Thank you for listening when I really needed someone to, even when I didn't think I did. You all know who you are. Because of this I can let go, I know I can, and be much freer than I was before.

How to Push Through a Wall

That really is the question for me these days. I briefly mentioned in my last post almost two weeks ago, now, that I needed something to shake things up. It took me a little bit to figure out what I really needed. But I think I got it: I need to get away for a few days.

And not just anywhere. I mean, I could very well sign out a hermitage for a few days if there was one free, or sign out a place down at camp, or go home for a weekend. I thought of all of those options. But what really kept popping up was the need to be a 23 year-old. My solution? Head to NYC/Long Island for a few days!

Don't get me wrong, I really do love it here at the Mount. I'm pretty content hanging out reading, putzing around online, playing games with a group of sisters, and just in general hanging out with different sisters here and there. I'm pretty easy going and it doesn't take a lot to entertain me most of the time. I just allow opportunities to materialize. However, that doesn't erase the rather obvious generational gap between us younger Rieppers and the rest of the community. It isn't a bad thing at all. I'm really quite comfortable with it most of the time. As one sister put it last week, Carrie and I are, in a sense, "ageless". She said we meld very well with various age groups. I think she's right, but every now and then I find myself wishing I had a few more people around my age to go out with and have some fun. But then, of course, that would involve time and money, both of which I do not have much of these days. Then again, some might argue that I have more time than I think, and the latter is not all that necessary to have a good time. Anyhoo, I broke down and booked a trip with Carrie to visit our friend who is just finishing up her first year of grad school at Long Island University.

I can't exactly pinpoint why I'm hitting my wall right this moment. It was bound to happen, and I'm honestly surprised that I made it about 7 months in before it hit. I don't have a problem with anything or anyone. I just need a little vacation before I tackle the final few months of the program, and then prepare to enter the chaotic world that is graduate school. I'm looking forward to the trip, and looking forward to reuniting with my friend who, by the time we arrive at the end of May, I will not have seen in about a year.

New Beginnings Once Again

Today begins the Migrant Head Start season at the day care. It's hard to believe that these four winter months have just flown by. I remember saying goodbye to some of my little ones at Thanksgiving time like it was just yesterday, and now we're gearing up for a new group.

I will again be changing rooms and age groups, going back down to the younger toddlers. I think ours range from 22-26 months, or somewhere around there. I will be teaching with two adults that I worked with back in the fall, so we are already comfortable with one another. I'm really excited to begin something new because I'm definitely hitting a wall. Where exactly, I'm not so sure. But I need something to shake everything up, so hopefully this adds to that.

This week is also Holy Week. It will be a whole new experience for me. I've experienced the Triduum before, but definitely not like this. Maybe this week will shake things up as well and restore my balance somehow. I'm really looking forward to the experience.

Growth

A lot has happened recently that has put several things in perspective for me. It's been a rough week personally, emotionally, etc. However, I did manage to escape flu bug #2 that swept through the house. (yay!) But regardless, it was a trying week.

Through all of it, though, there are those that are with you every step of the way. I have a best friend and parents that are always there to listen to the good, the bad, the ugly, your shortcomings, and that which is bothering you at any hour of the day or night. I have a mentor who is always there to guide me through all of that, and a fearless leader that makes sure all is well, who would and has dropped everything in a heartbeat and listened when I really needed her to. There are countless sisters in between that offer support every day. And of course, there's always God. When in one week I can experience conflict, anger, guilt, death, and sadness, and still walk around with my head held high, I know I am in a better place, because one year ago I would have found myself balled up in a corner, doubting I was strong enough to face any of it.

To those out there that have questioned my decision to take on this year, who doubted that living in a monastic community could ever prepare me for the rest of my life in the "real world", the past several months have taught me more about life and how to deal with its challenges and curve balls than my first 22 years did, and that's a gift I would never trade.

Rest in God's loving embrace, Sister Benedict and Sandy. You will be greatly missed.

Questions Answered

Much to my surprise, I am already past the halfway mark for this year-long adventure. I don't even know where to begin with my feelings about that very fact. The first emotion that comes to mind is sadness. I don't know how we've already reached 6 months, but I know how fast it came, which means the next half will go even faster. How do you stop time?? Sadly, you can't.

This past week the Mount hosted a group of students from Ohio Wesleyan University who were here on their spring break mission trip to work with the sisters in their ministries. I enjoyed meeting all of them and it was great having them here with us. Each time there has been a group of students or guests that don't exactly know why Carrie and I are here, I always feel like I'm in a zoo being observed. Maybe I'm just paranoid. It's always interesting to hear the questions people have for us. The two most popular: "What made you decide to enter this program?" and "Is this some kind of nun training thing??" (this question comes in many different forms, but yes, this is accurate wording from one curious person).

The first question is somewhat hard to explain. I can't always put my feelings into words, and most of the time, words don't do the explanation justice. It's hard to describe the feeling that I needed something more than going to school or working any old job this year just to make money. I needed a break after 17 years straight of schooling, but my break needed to involve growth, education, and enough time for me to figure  "me" out. I never would have thought of this program on my own without a little push from one of my campus ministers at Canisius, and I'd pay money to see my fearless leader's face when she first read my email asking if she thought this was a good idea or not (honestly, let me know some time :D ).

A lot of things contributed to my decision to enter this program. Between my many week-long visits as a student, and a few here and there outside of that, I knew this community well enough that I wasn't entering blindly into the idea. I wanted to know what God has in store for me, not only what I want out of life. Because I can certainly try to steer my life into the direction I think it needs to go, but judging from experience, that rarely works out. Since I've been here, I've been able to really listen to myself, God, and others, and I've learned so much from all of that, way more than if I would have paid to hear a professor spit it back at me. And I have met people here whose lives have certainly become a model for mine. This place has given me more than I ever thought it would, and then some.

The second question is a little easier to answer...sometimes. The answer: no. This program is not specifically meant for those that are discerning a call to religious life or to entering this particular community. Can it be used for that? Certainly. Am I? No. Why? Because I simply do not feel that call. I can't very well make a feeling appear that just isn't there. I have other callings and responsibilities to God. Most importantly, my job this year affirms in me the desire I have to be a mother every day. Nothing would mean more to me than bringing another life into the world and sharing the glory of God with them.

In short, I regret nothing about my decision to enter into this program. I am learning and growing each and every day. I have had many experiences, both positive and not so much, but both have helped me in so many ways. This will not be an experience that will leave me any time soon.

A New Kind of Prayer

One of the things I am becoming accustomed to during my time here is the idea that prayer doesn't have to be the obvious. I mean, I don't necessarily have to be kneeling in a church, head in my hands, saying Hail Marys the entire time. That is certainly one way to pray, and if it feels right, then it is. There isn't a right or wrong way to pray. My new way: dance.

I am the most calm and centered when I dance, I always have been. That is when I am in my element. So one day It popped into my head, why can't I make it a prayer? Answer: I can! Most of my reflection days I try to grab up the Garden Room for a little while to stretch out and just mess around with music and my ballet slippers. Nobody can bother me. It's just me, the music, and God, and I don't have to worry about a thing. I don't even have to worry if my form is perfect, although I admittedly do. I guess the only thing I have to worry about is someone opening the doors on me, huh?

For me, this is the perfect prayer. It's something that comes so naturally to me, and isn't that how one would like prayer to be? Natural, not forced? I've felt kind of empty since I stopped dancing, so it's nice to sort of have it back in my life. My prayer while I dance? God, please allow the grace of dance to enter into my daily life.

(Any photos posted can always be clicked on to be enlarged)

Becoming More Than Ourselves

I really need to get back into the habit of posting twice a week. I feel lazy when I don't. It's a discipline, as one sister said last week. I apologize to any readers out there who might be disappointed when they pop on and don't see a new post, especially when the description says "updated Mondays and Fridays". I will definitely try to fix that.

Every other Saturday during Lent, we have a community movie here at the Mount. This weekend "Of Gods and Men" was the film being shown. It tells the true story of a group of Trappist monks who are stationed in Algeria during the Algerian Civil War in 1996. They must decide whether to leave and save themselves, or stay with those they came to work with and face almost certain death. I'll risk backlash from those that might not be aware that this occurred... After much discernment, the monks decide that their calling is to stay, and they are eventually kidnapped and killed. It was a very powerful movie. One sister who came into the movie a little late said that everyone was absolutely transfixed when she walked through.

It got me to thinking, could I ever be a martyr in the greatest sense of the term? Could I ever believe enough in a calling of any kind to put my life on the line? I don't know if I even have an answer for that right now. I'm just trying to become comfortable with standing up to what society says the "norm" is today, since I feel like I'm completely going against it. I care too much about what others might think, and I wish I could step out a little more, be a little more outspoken about injustices, take more of a risk in my own life. I'm growing in that area though. At least I feel like I am. As morbid as it might sound to some, I really hope that someday I know what it's like to feel so strongly about something that I'm willing to become something more than myself, willing to risk my life. I admire those that have, because I know right now I couldn't do that. Could you?

Yesterday was the opening of the March art show here at the monastery for Women's History Month. If you get a chance to make it out here between now and April 1st, check it out. There are a lot of great pieces on display by sisters, oblates, and friends of the community, both for purchase and just for your enjoyment. This includes photographs by two Rieppers: yours truly and Carrie.

Expectations

Sorry for the late post! I've been having some technical difficulties with the internet.


Lent is upon us. As part of the Lenten season here, we have a daily reflection book. It's called "Not by Bread Alone" by Robert F. Morneau. I usually do my reflecting at night before bed, and today's meditation seemed like a very deep one: What are your expectations of God and of yourself?

Seems like a pretty loaded question, huh? Let's start with the first part. I guess I don't really expect a whole lot from God, at least not so much in quantity as in quality. What expectations do I have of God? Well, I would expect God to love me, no matter what, just how I am, flaws, imperfections and all. And through it all, I would hope God would be there for me, giving me what I need, not necessarily what I want, which is something I've always struggled with accepting. From God, I expect love and support.

If God always provides love and support for me, the very least I could do is return the favor, both to God, and pay it forward to others I encounter in life. I hope I am fulfilling this expectation with the work I am doing this year. I love the children in my class, despite all that comes with teaching a class full of toddlers. I love them because they are so innocent, and because they live in the moment. There is no worrying about the future, or holding on to what might have happened in the past. At times, I long to be just like them. Each child is unique and gifted in their own way. No two are the same.

I expect more of myself than I do of God. My "job" is to see Christ in everyone while also remembering to be Christ for them. I am constantly working towards being a positive representation of God's love through my actions, thoughts, experiences, etc., and forever trying to be the best me I can be.

"Embrace your uniqueness" -Unknown

Connections

This week I had the wonderful opportunity to spend some time with some sisters in the infirmary during their "This and That Club" meeting on Wednesday. This is a weekly meeting where sisters from the infirmary and assisted living wings can come together to talk, share stories, participate in activities, etc. I was asked to speak during this week's meeting.

Speak about what you may ask? Well, myself. I was happy to do it, but I must admit that I really don't like talking about myself. However, it wasn't so bad. At least I was in a comfortable setting and with people I knew well enough, so it wasn't so daunting. It was fun and really enjoyable.

Although I have lived here for 6 months and see many of these sisters often, I really don't have many chances to sit down and talk with them. I am gone all day during the week, and sometimes time just gets away from me. They know why I am here and what the program is all about, but most of them really didn't know that much about me personally. That was the focus of my talk. They seemed to really enjoy it. I got lots of hugs when I was done, so that's a good sign, right?? There is something really special that happens, I think, when a connection can be made across generations and between cultures. I've learned so much from everyone here, I can only pray I will have taught this community something in my time here as well.

This was done on my reflection day. To be honest, this was one of the most reflective moments I've had so far this year. It allowed me to think back on what led me to where I am. Every experience shapes your path in life; where you will go and who you will become. They will lead you to those whose hearts you will touch, and to those you allow to touch yours. A lot has happened in 23 years. Actually, a lot has happened in the last 4-5 years that has really led me here, to where I am right now in my life. I am not much of a fan of the saying "everything happens for a reason", but I do believe that the experiences we have give us a chance reevaluate our life should we choose to do so.

Anniversaries

Nothing reminds you of how fast time goes by more than marking the anniversary of a significant event. Today marks one year since my Benedicta Riepp journey began. It's hard to believe that it has already been that long, and at that time I could not even begin to imagine where I'd be one year later.

I can remember that entire day like it was yesterday. Some upsetting events occurred in those 24 hours, but our visit and meeting here at the Mount brought a lot of light and hope into my life that day. As it was right at the beginning of the second semester of my senior year of college, my head was nothing but a completely jumbled, confused, and overwhelmed mess. I am not above admitting that I was absolutely terrified to graduate. I spent a few years convincing myself of where I thought my life needed to go after graduation, but I quickly started to realize that it just wasn't what I wanted or needed right away. My heart was pointing me in a different direction. After trying to do nothing except push the idea out of my head for two weeks, I contacted our now fearless leader, Sister Stephanie, and began the journey. Seven months later, I arrived at the front door of the monastery with as much of my life as I could fit into my car, and the year-long adventure began. Now already half-way through the year, I find myself wishing I could somehow slow things down.

All I can say is thank God for the Benedictines. Without getting too sappy, since I do have 6 months to go, I pray someday you all will know how wonderful an experience this has been for me thus far, and I know the second half of the year will be just as beautiful. Every member of this community has been a blessing to me. This experience will forever continue to shape my future. I love you all.

For more information about the Benedicta Riepp program, and to view a video about our experiences, go to the webpage. The clip is at the top of the page.


Today also marks one year since I lost my hero, my Great-Grandfather. I love and miss you so much, Grandpa Boyd. I hope I still make you proud.

Back At It

After about 2 weeks of upper respiratory, fever, sinus infection, ear infection sickness (sooooo fun), I am almost back to normal. No more posts complaining about it, at least for now...

However, being run down and sort of hidden from everyone for most of the past couple of weeks has really brought a few things to the front page of my little mental notebook. For one, I am a people person. Actually, I'm kind of shy and reserved (those who know me, don't laugh), at least in certain situations and with those I am just getting to know.  I put that as an interesting fact on my bio the last time I came to the Mount for a service trip last March and several sisters commented and called me out on it, probably because they don't remember how I was the first time I visited three years ago. Anyhoo, when you are away from a house full of people for days on end, you get pretty lonely. Especially when you are only one or two floors away. I mean, I felt pretty sick and lousy most of the time, but I still missed being around everyone. I know a couple of people came down to visit here and there, but I think I was sleeping (sorry!). I even missed church two weeks in a row. So sisters, I really missed you all!

Second, sitting in bed all day is just plain boring. I couldn't read, listen to music, or do anything except sleep if it was even possible. And being cooped up in a room for days isn't much fun. It really made me think about simple things like just walking outside, or driving a car even. And what do you know, I even missed going to work! (I don't think I've ever said that before...)

And third, I am really grateful for all of the wonderful people I have in my life this year. Most especially those I live with. Everyone really does care about and take care of each and every person here. It was uplifting to have Carrie come back after a meal or prayer upstairs and hear "Sister said hello", "Sister wants to know if you need anything" and things like that. And yes, my mom knew I was sick, and appreciates all of her stand-ins in her absence. I'm also grateful for close friends that are comfortable seeing you at your worst, and stick with you through it all, and for fearless leaders who come to visit and sit with you in your room, even if it was at a distance :P

So I'm back on the road to being healthy. Now if only the weather would settle down and pick a season and stick with it. I'd appreciate it, and I know quite a few others whose immune systems would thank Mother Nature too.

Can't Quite Kick It

Well, it's day 12 of my sickness marathon. This time I'm working on getting over a pretty bad sinus infection. I'm usually not one to complain too much about getting sick here and there, because for me it's usually only a cold that lasts for a day or two, three at the most, and you're up and on your way again before you know it. But this sickness...thing began January 26th and is still hanging on. So now, more than anything, I'm just frustrated.

It's a pain when you don't feel well enough to do anything or go anywhere (except for a couple visits during the week to urgent care -_-) and even sitting in bed doesn't do the trick. For the past few days I've been in so much pain I couldn't even sleep at night or take a nap during the day. And reading or watching a movie to pass the time was out of the question because it basically hurt just to exist. Yesterday was a little better, but every few hours my head and face pick a new spot to hurt :( In short, this isn't fun, but I guess I don't really have to say that for my point to get across, huh? Hopefully one more day at home will do the trick...

One of the really comforting things that happens when you're down in a house full of so many people is that everyone gradually begins to realize that you're not there, and then every so often a knock is heard at your door or the phone rings. It's endearing, really, and it's nice because at least I'm not alone. And this time it has been Carrie's turn to play nurse. So although I've been feeling pretty miserable the past 2 weeks, I appreciate all of the concern :)

In other news, Carrie and I (and by that I mean mostly Carrie) have been helping dog-sit for one of the Sisters who is out of town until next Monday. The "puppy's" name is Gaia. I've been dog deprived for too long.

The Week Sickness Stole the Show

This week has been quite the eventful one in the health department. I thought this little sickness might have just been a weekend thing, but oh no, it's held on. I did go to work on Monday, which was a mistake because as soon as I got home I went straight to bed. I've never felt so beat in my life. I received strict orders from my boss that I was to stay home the next day, which I didn't want to do but could admit was necessary. Let's just say I have a stubborn streak...

I never really get that sick. Most times I just get a little cold, so I'm a little congested for a few days, sneeze maybe, things like that. I never get chest colds or a cough, so this kind of caught me off guard and really took me out. After putting up with the cough for 5 days, I finally went to get it checked out on Tuesday and found out it was an upper respiratory infection (fun wow!) and I was able to get something to suppress the cough. I'm just now getting back to prayer in the chapel, but I still get out of breath, so for now I'm chanting internally. I went back to see my kids yesterday after 2 days in a row off from work, and still came home absolutely exhausted. Last night was my first night back with my dish team that has been on since Monday. And can I tell you the number of resurrection lines you get after they don't see you for days on end in this house?!?! I really feel like I haven't seen anyone in a week, because I pretty much haven't. And now it went from my chest to my sinuses, so I'm feeling just grand right now (does sarcasm come through very well in writing??)

Bottom line, if it took me 6 months to catch something, I hope it takes another 6 for something else to happen, because this was hands down one of the most frustrating and tiring weeks. As one Sister put it, it's all because of those wonderful toddlers I think the world of! What says "I love you" more than a two-year-old coughing and sneezing in my face, right?

My (Slightly) Lousy Weekend

After a week with no posts, I should probably write about something, huh?

This weekend was the first time since September that I've been really sick, aside from a few stuffy noses here and there. So bad that I never left my room or saw anyone for 2 days, except for a couple of desperate attempts for fresh air and different surroundings, which resulted in me collapsing back into bed as soon as I returned. After coughing up a lung for nearly four days, my body can definitely feel it. Sitting in bed watching the weather outside go from snow to rain to snow/rain and back again isn't exactly my idea of a good time. I'm going into work today, but I may regret it once I get back home...

In other news, a few birthdays were celebrated last week, one being mine and one Carrie's. It's kind of fun celebrating your birthday at the Mount, and also equally overwhelming having 60+ people sing to you during supper. All of my gifts were amazing, and I've had so much cake and other sweet things over the past week I think I'm set for a while, in addition to the 50 bag snack pack I received as a gift. And I promise I'll NEVER hide cake in my bedroom again...! (Now come on, you have to admit that was a good one)

Well, the weather is still going back and forth, not really settling on one thing for too long, which is probably why everyone is getting so sick. This is one weird Winter. And our fearless leader left us for warmer weather this week! Off to the land of sun and sand, while we're stuck here in a bipolar winter rain land :/

Recognizing God's Love for All of Us

In light of some recent events that have occurred, and old scars that have resurfaced, my reflection day this week was spent pondering this very thing. It's something I think we've heard a lot through the years, especially if you regularly attend church or Bible study, or read scripture on a regular basis. Some may even throw it into a conversation if you're feeling down or bad about something. And if you live and work where I am this year, you are reminded of it every day. I guess the challenge is recognizing this ourselves, taking it to heart, realizing how it can work through you, and really believing you and all those around you are worth it.

Each day I walk into the daycare, I am confronted with the challenge of allowing God's love to work through me. Most days this is easy and it happens without much thought, but there are definitely times I have to stop and think about my reactions. They are obviously here for a reason, and no matter what the situation may be, they deserve my love and positive attention. Easier said than done, but I try to make a conscious effort.

One of the hardest things for me to remember sometimes is to save some of that love for myself. I can very easily give it all to one person, or pour it out onto all of my kids some days, or use it in many other ways. But many times I don't save enough of it for myself. It's a flaw I'm willing to admit I have, and it's definitely something I need to work on. Why is it so difficult for some of us to admit that we are worth so much more than we give ourselves credit for? Is it stubbornness? Blindness? Really, what is it? Will we ever understand? I, for one, don't have the answers for any of those questions. So, I guess if you ask me now, that's one of the most important things I need to work on for the next 7 months, and oh, for the rest of my life.

And since I've had this hymn stuck in my head for the past few days, I picked out my favorite verse. I think it goes well with what I'm talking about. I might change "son" to "daughter" but hey, let's not get technical here. It's from "Be Thou My Vision", one of my favorites.

"Be thou my wisdom, thou my true word,

I ever with thee and thou with me Lord;

Thou my great Father, I thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with thee one."

Learning From Generation Y

This week we have been hosting a team of students from Canisius College in Buffalo, NY. My alma mater. They are spending their last week of winter break with us volunteering in the ministries and at the Mount. They have been here since Sunday and leave tomorrow morning.

In addition to volunteering during the day, each night they have a team reflection where they discuss a different value or learn about the life of the Benedictines and then reflect on how that might apply to their experiences that day or throughout the week. I had the privilege to sit in on two of their sessions and it provided a lot of insight and reaffirmed my view of my generation.

If you haven't sat and talked with someone of my generation lately (I believe we are Generation Y), you might want to. We have a lot to offer, but we also really want to take everything in and learn as much as we can before we set out to make our mark on the world. Contrary to many reports you might read in the paper or see on T.V., we are not all self-absorbed and out of control. There are plenty of us out there that truly care about others, maybe even more than we care about ourselves. We volunteer our time, not just because it's mandatory for a class or because we have so many hours we need to complete before the semester is over, but because we really enjoy helping others. But that mandatory volunteer time may have been the spark that allowed some of us to realize the gifts we already had.

Hearing what the students had to say about their experiences this week makes me proud to be part of this generation, and happy to be a graduate of Canisius and an alum of their service trips. I have learned so much from them, and I hope they have learned a little from me as well.

So the next time you might have the chance to talk to a Generation Y-er, maybe you're sitting next to one on a plane or a bus, talk to us! You might be surprised at what you might learn, and we could still stand to learn from others, too.

A Weekend Full of Events

Well, it's Monday again already. Where did the weekend go? I find myself asking that question often. This weekend was a busy one.

Saturday morning began like many others: prayer at 8:30am, followed by breakfast, giving a little lesson on the computer, starting our chores, an ER visit, homewo...wait. Yes, an ER visit. Not for me, thankfully, but for Carrie who cut her finger and needed a couple of stitches. It was a quick trip. We were in and out of there in less than two hours. But it was an adventure nonetheless. Add in me almost passing out as she was getting stitched up and we were quite the pair. But it makes for a good story.

Saturday was a little game night, which is pretty normal on the weekends. There's almost always a Sister or two ready to play and we had two new games to try out. However, during one of the games *someone* was pretty much sitting on my lap the entire time, which prevented me from being able to put cards down. Some may call that cheating, I'll give her some credit and say it was just the excitement of the game since I know what I'm getting myself into when I play with her. I'm not complaining, but a rematch might be in order :)

Sunday morning was the Feast of the Epiphany. We blessed the house during morning prayer and Canisius College students arrived just before Liturgy. It will be a great week with them here. I know a few from school, and the rest of the team seems wonderful. And last night we took down all of the Christmas decorations, so it's been a pretty full weekend and will be a full week as well.

In other news, it's the second week of January, and there's still no snow :(

Reflection Exercises

As part of this experience, one day each week I have what is called a reflection day. For me it's Wednesday. I do not go to my ministry that day, but instead use the day to reflect, read scripture or poetry, or do something that is beneficial to me in some way. In that day I am supposed to feed my mind, body, and spirit.

I also meet with my mentor Wednesday mornings. During that meeting we talk about the past week, which usually involves a few stories about my kids, the positives for the week, any issues I may be having, and I usually have a short reading or assignment that we discuss.

This week my mentor asked me to take time every night to write down three things I am grateful for in that individual day. Sounds like a piece of cake, right? Well, three things might not seem difficult, but for me I have been able to think of two right away each night, but I really have to think about a third. It doesn't mean it's not there, it just means I have to really pay attention.

I love this reflection exercise. What I like about it is that it forces you to think positively. So many times we focus on the negative, what didn't happen, what went wrong, yadda, yadda. Instead, we should try to look at the blessing that might have come out of what "wasn't supposed to happen", because maybe that's just it, it wasn't supposed to happen. God had a different plan for you that day.

This is something I hope to stick with. For me it's been a calming way to settle my mind right before bed. I get under the covers, grab my journal and pen off the nightstand next to my bed, jot down my thoughts, put them back and turn out the light.

Sound good to you? Give it a try!