Letting Go

Something I am trying really hard to come to terms with this year is that it is OK to ask for help, or to talk, or just admit that I need a break. I am a pretty stubborn person, and I really hate feeling like I ask too much of others. However, this really hinders my ability to successfully deal with whatever is bothering me at a particular moment, and what I usually end up with is uncontrollable emotion that builds up inside until it just can't stay there anymore. I'm pretty desperate when I just let it go and break down and ask for that help. It literally is a cry for help.

I try really hard to be the tough adult that I think I should be at 23, but I forget sometimes that I am in such a transitional stage of my life that I can't possibly hold it together without the help of others, and God. To give you a sense of what may be going through my head at any given moment these days, here's a list:

-I have 4 months left here
-I need a job when I am done here
-I need to find an internship for school
-I also need to give my current ministry my full attention
-I need to find an apartment
-I need to do all of this while also living in the present moment and taking in as much as I can before this program is over

Now I don't think about all of this every second of every day, but when there are deadlines to meet, and when people ask related questions, it's hard to just leave it at that and forget about it. As much as I tell myself that everything will work out, because I know it always does even if it might not be how I imagined, it doesn't always take away the stress. But I know I need to be the adult and admit I need help with some things. It's OK to talk it out with others, and it's OK to break down in front of others. I am not any less of a person for doing so. And I need to give a little more to God than I currently do. I need to learn to let go of the control I feel I need over everything, because it's just not possible to have it all. I have endless support here, and I know this because I have tested every inch of it, whether I meant to or not. Whether it's 10 in the morning or 10 at night, or any other time of the day, someone has always been there, and someone always will be, and for that I am so very grateful.

Thank you for listening when I really needed someone to, even when I didn't think I did. You all know who you are. Because of this I can let go, I know I can, and be much freer than I was before.