Why might you ask? Because I find it interesting that it coincides with a recent path I've decided to take myself. In this chapter, we learn how hard it was for Jesus' family to accept that God was the center of his life. In this setting, drop-out is referring to Jesus shifting his "family". He had to find others that shared his love for God and the work of God, and his way of going about that I guess didn't resonate well with some of his loved ones. The questions that got me thinking are as follows: What voices do you hear when you say something, when you make decisions? Are you ready to go the way that you recognize in your heart as being the right one for you? Or do you want everyone, your family and your friends, to approve of it?
This is why this chapter and these particular questions hit home for me: I will not be starting graduate school at the end of August.
I realize to the readers who know me personally this will sound like a decision that just came out of nowhere, but I promise you this was a well thought out conclusion. I made some decisions a little too prematurely, did not research enough different programs, and instead settled on a school that ended up not being what I was looking for. Thankfully, I have realized this in enough time to do something about it before it's too late.
What voices do I hear when I say something, when I make decisions? Well, the voice I had been hearing for a few months leading up to my final decision was saying "WHY are you doing this to yourself? Why are you trying to convince yourself that this is something you want?" After weeks of journaling and discussing this with myself, weighing the positives and negatives of this idea, I finally got up the courage to talk to someone about it. It was a little rough. The immediate reactions of almost everyone I had to tell were not what I expected. I felt how they probably did; blindsided. I was challenged, upset, and at times felt ganged up on. However, I do understand where they were all coming from.
That's where the other question comes in. Am I ready to go the way that I recognize in my heart as being the right one for me, or am I looking for everyone's approval? This is ultimately my own decision, nobody can make it but me, and nobody should make it but me. I haven't asked for anyone's approval or permission to make any life decision. I guess that can sound a little harsh. While I don't ask for or need someone to approve my decisions, I do ask for their support. Believe in me and have faith that I will be OK and that I'm doing the right thing for me at this time. Nobody has to understand the reasoning behind a personal decision but myself, but sometimes I feel like it would help.
There is a wonderful inner peace that has come with my decision not to rush into the program I pretty much rushed into in the first place. I do want to go to school, and if I could right away, I would. But this leaves me a little more time to research some more schools and programs that will ultimately work for me. I know what I want to do with my life, now I just need to find the right path that will get me there. Some may see me as a drop-out, as someone who is taking the easy way out, but they will never understand.
If my time as a Riepper has taught me anything, it is that your inner voice is one of the most important voices you should listen to. When I can't shake a feeling or thought, whether positive or negative, I've come to realize that's God's little way of telling me something. It happened when I was trying to ignore the nagging idea of entering this program last year, and it happened again with this. When it doesn't go away, maybe that's your answer.
So, I am not entering grad school when I leave the Mount. I am happy and at peace with this decision, and those important to me both at home and here really do support me. Thank you, I am blessed to have you all in my life.
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