New Blog!

For my new blog, CLICK HERE!

The End Is Only The Beginning

The moment I had been dreading for weeks has finally come and gone. I no longer live at the Mount. I am officially out of the Benedicta Riepp Program. I have entered into the next phase of my life. I am sad. I am nervous. I wish I could turn back the clock.

That being said, I have just finished what was probably the best year of my life. Pretty much every worry I had prior to entering this program turned out to be nothing. I can recall so vividly the afternoon I moved in. Carrie and I stopped at a gas station right off our exit on the thruway, filled our tanks, looked at each other and said, "the 90 is right there, last chance to turn around!" Needless to say, we didn't. I have learned so much about myself, about others, and about God. I have been challenged and pushed to my emotional limits. I have grown in leaps and bounds from where I was a year ago. I have my faith, persistence, and 90+ sisters to thank for that.

Throughout this year I have experienced a number of things. As a Benedicta Riepp participant, I was fully immersed in Benedictine life. Aside from a few important community meetings, I took part in everything the sisters did. I was no different from any of them. I experienced Jubilee, Thanksgiving, Advent and a very Benedictine Christmas, the new year, Lent and Easter, and all the other liturgical seasons, the deaths of three sisters, countless retreats, speakers, and picnics. I laughed, I cried, I freaked out, hit my walls, rose above the challenges, met a world of wonderful people, and I'm coming away with meaningful relationships that I pray will last.

To the community as a whole: I pray you will some day know what an absolute blessing you have been in my life. Just when I thought I was ready to head on with adulthood by myself, God intervened and showed me what I really needed after college. I am so grateful that I have this group of women in my life. Thank you for your unconditional love and acceptance of my presence. I hope I have done the same for you.

To my mentor: Thank you for your listening heart, advice, and for keeping me on the right path. I have enjoyed our conversations wholeheartedly, and I so appreciate your sense of humor when times have been a little tense. I could always count on you.

To my fearless leader: Thank you also for your absolutely wonderful listening heart. You were always there when I needed you and provided the perfect balance of seriousness and humor. I cannot imagine being under the direction of anyone else. Thank you for everything. You have no idea.

It was extremely difficult to walk out of those doors knowing that it symbolized the end of such a great time. Coming home to an empty house was extremely difficult as well. I cried most of the drive, and sat on the couch with one of the dogs and absolutely sobbed as she licked the tears falling down my cheeks. I kept it in as well as I could during my good-byes, but I hardly made it down the street before it started.

And I know it isn't really the end. I am living less than 10 minutes away, but change is always hard for me. But I am looking forward to beginning a new relationship with the Erie Benedictines. They will always be with me, and I hope a part of me always stays with them as well :)

One sister put it well the other night: "Aren't you glad you didn't turn around at the gas station?!"

YES!

Commitment September '11

Farewell Blessing July '12

One.Week.

One week from now, I will be back in New York, playing with the dogs, sitting with my family, officially done with the Benedicta Riepp program and moved out of the Mount. I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm excited to move on to the next phase of my life, but content with where I've been for the past year. I'm looking forward to having my own place again with my own way of doing things, but I know I'll miss the rhythm of life at the monastery. I'll miss the constant stream of sisters milling around at any time of the day. I know I will enjoy having my own place, but I also know I will really, really miss how things have been. I haven't had any consistent living situation for the past 5 years. When I get comfortable some place, I just want it to stay that way for a while.

One of the things that is staying the same is my workplace. I hope to continue my work at the day care as my ministry, not just my job. I don't want to lose sight of why I love working there just because I will now be getting a paycheck at the end of the week. I don't want that to be my motivation. Ever.

With all this talk of what I would like and what I wouldn't like, everyone here is well aware of the amount of time we have left. In fact, our fearless leader just returned from more than a week away and some of the first words out of her mouth were, "counting down the days yet?" "Should I bring tissues to dinner Thursday?" Uhh yeah, the sisters are more than aware of the time frame.

I am going to enjoy this last week. I'm going to do my best to take in meal time, conversation, class, games, people, everything. Even dishes....maybe ;-)

What Toddlers Have Taught Me About Myself

I've mentioned here and there in some of my posts my issues with my self-esteem. It hasn't been the best the past 5 years or so because of an incident during my first year of college that was ultimately prolonged throughout those four years. Needless to say, it has had a pretty large impact on how I see myself. It wasn't until I was fully removed from the situation and forced to examine myself this year that I really began to deal with it. My biggest helper? My angels at the day care.

I don't think anyone realizes their full potential or worth until they are entrusted with the care of another living being. At least I hadn't. St. Ben's is more than a day care service, it's a child development center. We don't just provide a place for the children to be all day, we are constantly tracking their changes, development, habits, etc. We are providing early childhood education so they are ready to enter Kindergarten. We are helping them develop the skills and tools they will need in life. To me, that's a daunting job description. I'm more than a human jungle gym and Kleenex, I'm responsible for their lives while they are in my care, and I've had to live up to that responsibility. To do that, you really have to be confident in yourself. You can't teach someone that they're worth it and can do anything they set their mind to if you don't believe it yourself. That's what I started out doing, and I can tell you I probably wasn't too convincing to begin with.

As the months went by, though, all of that began to sink in. When my kids are genuinely excited to see me each morning, that makes my day. When a toddler comes to you in April and can't speak one word in English or Spanish, and by the end of June can add 4 words to their vocabulary, that feels AMAZING. And to know that I had a lot to do with that really makes me look at my self-worth in a positive light. I mean something to these children, to their families. And they mean the world to me.

When we chose our ministry placements for the first half of the year, it was with the understanding that in 6 months we could change them if we wanted to. Not only did I want to stay at the day care when the time came, I needed to. This place, the people, the kids, they were all helping me realize something I was blind to for so long. That coupled with my reflections, prayer, and meetings was really what I needed to jump start this new outlook. It's something I consciously work on each and every day, but it's getting easier. I can love and be lovable at the same time.

Community

Throughout the past three years that I've known this community, I've heard several times over that these women and their extended community members know how to take care of one another. When you live here and hang around long enough, you begin to see and experience it. It's always extremely touching and heartwarming.

I have had many experiences where I have been on the receiving end of this generosity. Several times it has been because of sickness. Everyone offers their own advice on remedies to try, slips a note or get-well card under your door, or comes to check on you. Then when you finally emerge from your room it's like they haven't seen you in eons. What am I going to do when I move out and become sick???!!!

Lately, a different kind of generosity has emerged. I have been overwhelmed with all of the help Carrie and I have received as we start to piece together our lives post-Benedicta Riepp. It has come in several different forms, from prayer to offering a piece of furniture here and there, and all of it helps. A lot of it has been jaw dropping and has left me speechless, wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. All I can do is thank them, thank God, and pay it forward some day. This community is pretty amazing, and I'm reminded of that every day. I can't wait to have everyone over so they can see what they've helped us with!

Getting to Know the World

One of the things I've really been thinking about lately is that I've had the privilege of meeting so many different people this year through this community. They might be oblates of this community, family members or friends of individual sisters, or visiting guests just looking for a comfortable place to be for a little while. And they can be from virtually anywhere in the world. Whatever the case may be, it's always a pleasure getting to know each one!

For the past two weeks, we've had a sister staying with us from a religious community in Philadelphia. She is the friend of one of the sisters here. What I love is being able to see this community, live this experience, through the eyes of another. The guests seem to find the beauty in things you might never have imagined. That's exactly what she has done for me during her visit, and tomorrow morning she leaves. I didn't spend a lot of time with her while she was here, but we shared a few meals and caught up here and there on her visits to the ministries and a few local hot spots, and everything was exciting. It makes me think of my first visit. Was I in awe of this community like that? And you know what? I really think I was. Why else would I have kept coming back?

I feel like I owe the sisters for everything this year. Where else would I have met these wonderful people? Would I have even met them at all? And I thank the many guests for sharing their lives with me. I've learned just as much from them.



And in case you are unaware of how awesome the women of this community are, CLICK HERE. I make a cameo appearance for a hot second, too :)

Happy 4th!!

How does one celebrate the 4th of July in a monastery?? Quite similar to how all of you out there might celebrate it as well. We had a picnic, played some games, community movie time, and even went out to watch some fireworks. See, I'm sure you can spot some similarities. However, I think there is something special about it here.

There is such an awareness of how important it is to remember how we are all connected, not just here in the states but everywhere in the world. We remember how blessed we are to have the freedoms that we do, because there are so many in the world who may never experience any of that. It is important to remember that we must not abuse this freedom and confuse it with power, both around the world and with our own citizens, especially in light of what is making headlines today (healthcare, etc.). I see a lot of things through a different lens as a result of my experiences this year. Wednesday is usually my reflection day, and even though I didn't use it the traditional way, I can say it turned out to be extremely reflective.

I did mention we went to see some fireworks with one mentor and our director. I can check off my list the experience "watching fireworks from a McDonald's parking lot" and "finally getting to use those sparklers" :) Oh, I almost forgot, out of the four of us nobody remembered to bring a fob so we were locked out at 11pm. However, after a lengthy game of charades we were finally let back in! Never a dull moment.